Seeking love was my theme this weekend. I didn’t realize it though until Sunday afternoon. Up until then, it looked like I was just feeling sorry for myself. The reasons? They honestly don’t matter.
Rumi says: Your task is not to seek for Love,
but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
Merely? Oh Rumi, baby, you say this like it is simple! “Merely seek and find all of the barriers within yourself….” Sigh. I know, I know, it’s one of those annoyingly simplistic, yet deep as a thousand oceans, tongue-in-cheek thingys that you mystic people do so well.
I know some of my barriers. Disengagement is one; in fact, disengagement is my default position. It can come when I’m feeling tired, or discouraged, or stuck or fat or poor. I feel these feelings, I judge them, I judge myself and I separate: from myself, from others, from the world.
When I’m here, I ask: Why bother? What difference will it make? Who cares?
These are all questions of disengagement. They are all questions of separation.
So what does it take to move beyond this place? Winning the lottery, a facelift, a trip to Paris? Thankfully not.
To make choices about being engaged requires paying attention. It takes noticing where I place my focus.
Where do I place my attention? Do I place my attention on scarcity? On the negative? On the pain? Do I place my focus on the stories that keep me in a place of being stuck? The stories that I am sometimes attached to because they do keep me in a place of powerlessness? Being powerless can have a strong attachment if I am waiting to be rescued, waiting for someone else to come along and fix whatever is wrong. Playing the victim role can be seductive.
Choosing to shift my focus does require me to make an effort. That effort can feel like a huge boulder that needs to be moved. It can also be as easy a taking a breath and noticing how that feels.
I choose where to place my focus. I choose what I invite in.
I choose to put Melody Gardot on the c.d. player.
I choose to go into the garden for 10 minutes.
I choose to go to the community pool for adult swim at the end of the day.
I choose to visit my favourite café by the river.
I choose to notice what a great job my housemate did in cleaning our shared space.
I choose to send an email, to make a phone call, to find a way to connect.
I choose love. Seeing what is already there when I choose to notice.