It’s true. I can’t go back.
I can’t go back to a place of not knowing. I had a huge piece of learning a few weeks ago. There was a lot of emotion swirling around a particular circumstance. Feelings that suck the air from your lungs in long sobbing stabs. Grief. Pain. Think Elizabeth Gilbert on the bathroom floor in “Eat Pray Love”.
What I knew in the midst of it, was that the pain was not actually about the circumstance. I knew that the situation was bringing up pain and grief that was already inside and had been laying dormant, unfelt and unspoken. Now a light was being shone upon it and it was getting air.
In the midst of it, I couldn’t think. I could only feel. And feel I did. Oozing, raw, wrenching pain.
Between the bouts of grief, there were glimmers of insight. What was this pain about? It was about the belief that I will never be in a meaningful, intimate partnership with another person. It is about the belief that I am incapable of being in that kind of relationship. It is about the belief that I am lousy at personal relationships in general, and thus feel I am going through life alone. There’s the core belief: I’m alone and will always be alone.
These are beliefs. Beliefs are not necessarily true. And the question is, what lies behind that belief? What lies behind, under, above and inside those beliefs?
In a nutshell? That I am not enough. Not good enough. Not attractive enough. Not smart enough. Not talented enough. We could go on, but it boils down to “not enough”.
I’m working to change that belief. Some days are better than others. Actually, forget “days”. It is about moments. There are moments when I believe I am enough. Sometimes those moments string together to make a morning or a whole day. There are even days in a row. Eventually….. well, I don’t need to explain that, do I ?
This song strikes a chord for me (sorry, chord? song?). In my head, heart and liver, the “you and me” is about being with myself. I walk on, with myself, because I can’t go back to old ways, old patterns, old beliefs. When I turn around, I see myself. And I am enough.
And I dare you not to smile as you watch these puppets! Double dog dare you!
Can’t Go Back Now” Lyrics:
Yesterday, when you were young,
Everything you needed done was done for you.
Now you do it on your own
But you find you’re all alone,
What can you do?
You and me walk on
Cause you can’t go back now.
You know there will be days when you’re so tired that you can’t take another step,
The night will have no stars and you’ll think you’ve gone as far as you will ever get
But you and me walk on
Cause you can’t go back now
And yeah, yeah, go where you want to go
Be what you want to be,
If you ever turn around, you’ll see me.
I can’t really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself
And you and me walk on
Yeah you and me walk on
Cause you can’t go back now
Walk on, walk on, walk on
You can’t go back now.
(You smiled, didn’t you?! 🙂 )