I’m devoting the next 3 weeks to entirely what I want. It’s “Project Moi“, which sounds so much more inviting and tantalizing than the English translation. It’s amazing what one word can do. A little je ne sais quoi.
It started with an invitation from Melani Marx to participate in “Putting Yourself First”, a 21 day on-line gathering. The purpose? To put myself first.
Now, if you know me, you realize that on a logical, practical level, it should be very easy to put myself first. After all, I do not have children, or a partner, or much in the way of family nearby. I also do not have a job. These are often the things mentioned when people, particularly women, say they do not have time for themselves.
For me, time is not an issue. Time is something I have in abundance.
I spend a lot of that time alone. So me thinks, am I not already doing this?
The answer: No. My time slips between my fingers, and the amount of time in which I would describe as “putting myself first” would be far less than more.
It comes down to focus. Where do I place my attention? (Doesn’t it always?!!!) For the next 3 weeks, my attention is on myself. I have actually tried to do this with other parameters twice before. Twice before, a family emergency took me away from creating this space. Third time is a charm!!
Apart from focus, the idea of putting myself first when I am the only thing I have, means I have to, at some level, believe that this is something worth doing. That I am worth it. That I am worth making a conscious choice to put myself first.
My mind is playing badminton with this idea. Back and forth, back and forth. Silliness! At last! Ridiculous! At last! And my mind’s personal default positon, “Why bother?”
Why bother? Because. Because. Because, I need to be at the top of my own list. I seriously want to be at the top of someone’s list!! I know that in the ways of the universe, waiting for someone else to give you what you want is a path to disappointment and bitterness. The only way to have what I need and want is to give myself the things that I want and need.
So, I’ve been playing with the idea and making a list of what draws me.
It is a list of wants, a list of possibilities. It is an absolutely “should free” list.
Here it is, so far:
Visit my mother. (I am surprised to see that there. I’m often compelled by guilt to go and see her. But I am longing to see my mom. Wow. Tears.)
Swim – and not just in the Wellness Centre pool, as nice as it is. I’m going to find some real water. Water that flows, and glistens, and supports life. And is outside. You could come.
Hang out with some friends. Tea, coffee, swim, sit under a tree.
Walk – in nice places, which may include around my block, but more likely means I will take myself to a trail or water.
Meditate (I’m told it takes 21 days to create a new habit. This is one which has been nibbling at my heels for forever. I am trying again.)
Music – Melody Gardot is playing right now. Peterborough Folk Festival. Markham Jazz Festival. Shelter Valley Folk Festival.
Play….. clown, art, children, ukulele, bubbles, children with bubbles. Whatever calls in the moment.
Stretch, lay on the floor while listening to Melody Gardot.
Serve Yourself First with Melani.
Eat things I love. Usually I don’t eat things I love. I get hungry and I don’t have anything I love, so I eat to remove the hunger. Or, and this is more often….. I just stuff food in to replace whatever is missing. This does not usually mean carrot sticks. It often means chocolate, but I don’t necessarily or usually enjoy it. I eat healthy stuff because I “should”. I don’t take time to make things that really, really appeal to me. There are things that I love when I eat out, but have never made myself. But I’ve been looking on-line and I am ready. The list includes: Kris Carr‘s Make Juice Not War Green Drink, beet feta quinoa salad; goi cuon/nime chow (fresh Vietnamese salad rolls) , chicken satay with peanut sauce; broccoli and potato samosas; black bean, quinoa and red pepper salad with honey-lime vinaigrette. There might or might not be a gluten-free version of Chocolate Nutella Bread Pudding made in a slow cooker. Most of these recipes you can find at Perfect Pantry or Gluten-free Goddess. Excuse me, I’m salivating.
Artist play dates. I have not been to a movie by myself in donkey’s years. I feel “The Help” calling. I can take myself to the art gallery.There are a couple of Asian groceries downtown that I have never spent time in. I can take myself into Toronto for some things I’ve been waiting to do with someone else. Little Inda is always calling. Kensington Market, it has been a loooonnnng time since I’ve paid a you a visit.
So will I cancel my hair appointment on Wednesday? I cancelled the last one because my hair didn’t grow much; I didn’t need a cut. I still don’t. But I feel like I “should” go because I cancelled last time, and maybe she’ll be all pissy with me. I think you know the answer.
What are you doing to put yourself first? I’d love to know.