When I say “doing”, I mean I signed up. I made the commitment.
I paid the moolah.
I get the daily emails and the weekly voice recordings.
I’ve downloaded one section of yoga practice.
What I haven’t actually done is unroll my yoga mat and get on it. (I did find it yesterday and put it out in plain view.)
I’ve been feeling more than a bit squirmy about this. I am now into week 2 of not doing 30 Days of Yoga and I cringe when Marianne’s email shows up in my box each evening.
So, I ask, “Why?” Why have I not done what I paid for, what I committed to? And why do I squirm?
The answer, or I should say, answers, have shown themselves over the past few days.
There are some truly practical reasons, the main one being sleep. My system cannot be relied upon to send me into dream land at a consistent time. On one night, ten o’clock is perfect, and my ideal. Last night, it was around 4 am. (Of course with daylight savings, it was really only 3 am!! Yes, I too got an extra hour of sleep. Sort of.)
For obvious reasons then, I find it difficult to plan my day. I find it difficult to… (she stops here, searching desperately for something to insert that does not sound like an excuse, does not make her sound pathetic, does not make her feel like a loser. She fails.)
Really. Come on. I’m not asking myself to train for the New York Marathon. I’m not even asking myself to get dressed. I’m just asking myself to lie down on the floor and breathe for 10 minutes. I do not “have” to even do any real yoga. Breathing is enough. Marianne says so. She says even 5 minutes is enough. Showing up is enough. Being is enough.
Ahhh-hem. That is at least part of it. That being business. That showing up business.
Because, after all, who am I showing up for?
You? Well, if it were you, then I would almost certainly show up. Or at least I would really, really try. You know that, don’t you? I make a promise to you? I keep it. I keep my commitment.
I make a promise to myself? It quickly and “easily” goes by the wayside.
In my life, showing up for myself is absolutely the hardest thing for me to do. Show up when there isn’t homework or something to make me accountable to someone else. Show up when there isn’t a class or a call-in or a check-in, all of which involve someone else. Show up when there is just me. Face to face with myself.
By not showing up, I let myself down. I’m quite used to that.
There is a shift though. The very fact that I notice this, and that it bothers me, is a shift. Hey!! I. don’t. like. letting myself down! I don’t like it any more than when I let you down. That nagging voice in my head (Jen Louden calls them “the hounds”) is shifting from beating myself up to saying, “That’s sad, Deb. That’s so sad, sweetie.” There’s compassion in that voice. There is kindness. There’s a soft, cozy blanket of comfort being pulled around my shoulders as I write this. It is okay. Being able to notice, instead of ignore, is a big step.
So, today, I am grateful for noticing. For feeling sad about letting myself down.
What does this have to do with love?
Everything. Simply everything.