Being Enough

I’m doing 30 Days of Yoga (an online course) with Marianne Elliott.

When I say “doing”, I mean I signed up. I made the commitment.

I paid the moolah.

I get the daily emails and the weekly voice recordings.

I’ve downloaded one section of yoga practice.

What I haven’t actually done is unroll my yoga mat and get on it. (I did find it yesterday and put it out in plain view.)

I’ve been feeling more than a bit squirmy about this. I am now into week 2 of not doing 30 Days of Yoga and I cringe when Marianne’s email shows up in my box each evening.

So, I ask, “Why?” Why have I not done what I paid for, what I committed to? And why do I squirm?

The answer, or I should say, answers, have shown themselves over the past few days.

There are some truly practical reasons, the main one being sleep. My system cannot be relied upon to send me into dream land at a consistent time. On one night, ten o’clock is perfect, and my ideal.  Last night, it was around 4 am. (Of course with daylight savings, it was really only 3 am!! Yes, I too got an extra hour of sleep. Sort of.)

For obvious reasons then, I find it difficult to plan my day. I find it difficult to… (she stops here, searching desperately for something to insert that does not sound like an excuse, does not make her sound pathetic, does not make her feel like a loser. She fails.)

Really. Come on. I’m not asking myself to train for the New York Marathon. I’m not even asking myself to get dressed. I’m just asking myself to lie down on the floor and breathe for 10 minutes. I do not “have” to even do any real yoga. Breathing is enough. Marianne says so. She says even 5 minutes is enough.  Showing up is enough. Being is enough.

Ahhh-hem. That is at least part of it. That being business. That showing up business.

Because, after all, who am I showing up for?

You? Well, if it were you, then I would almost certainly show up. Or at least I would really, really try. You know that, don’t you? I make a promise to you? I keep it. I keep my commitment.

I make a promise to myself? It quickly and “easily” goes by the wayside.

In my life, showing up for myself is absolutely the hardest thing for me to do.  Show up when there isn’t homework or something to make me accountable to someone else. Show up when there isn’t a class or a call-in or a check-in, all of which involve someone else. Show up when there is just me. Face to face with myself.

By not showing up, I  let myself down. I’m quite used to that.

There is a shift though. The very fact that I notice this, and that it bothers me, is a shift. Hey!! I. don’t. like. letting myself down! I don’t like it any more than when I let you down. That nagging voice in my head (Jen Louden calls them “the hounds”) is shifting from beating myself up to saying, “That’s sad, Deb. That’s so sad, sweetie.” There’s compassion in that voice. There is kindness. There’s a soft, cozy blanket of comfort being pulled around my shoulders as I write this. It is okay. Being able to notice, instead of ignore, is a big step.

So, today, I am grateful for noticing. For feeling sad about letting myself down.

What does this have to do with love?

Everything. Simply everything.

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8 Responses to Being Enough

  1. Jovanna says:

    I ‘heart’ you.

  2. mythgal says:

    Oh boy I get this, I really do. I hate those self-flagellating hounds. i think the key is turning the self-flagellation into self-love talk that says – “you are worth it, you deserve it, so please baby get down on that mat!”

  3. Deb Reynolds says:

    Now THAT made me smile!! 😉 Thank you x0x!

  4. Janice says:

    Deb you do do things the hardest way sometimes. I can’t imagine doing something like this alone in my house. I would need another, that might make eye contact, maybe we would give each other a smile because there we showed up again today on the mat….oh that goes such a long way. So here is a smile for showing up and breathing today on or off the mat (but I’m picturing you on the mat). : O }

  5. Deb Reynolds says:

    Um. Yeah. Sometimes I do do things the hardest way. Actually, lots of times? But it seemed like the easiest way at the time – don’t have to leave the house, don’t have to get dressed etc.. etc. etc. But. Right you are. And beautifully put…. the smile of another, a little eye contact. So, I’m receiving smile and your heart ….. I’m feeling closer. Writing this, instead of hiding it away, has helped.

  6. Leslie Nikulka/Ouderkirk says:

    Deb…guess what…I just missed 10 weekly sessions of gentle stretch Hatha Yoga; out of the house so I could be with others…just can’t seem to dicipline myself to do it at home by myself. I’m telling you this in hopes that it helps to know you’re not alone. And yes, it has everything to do with love. I love the heart you painted. Thank you for sharing. 🙂

    • Deb Reynolds says:

      I’m trying again, Leslie! Signed up for 30 Days of CURVY Yoga…. starting in Jan. Again, don’t have to leave the house, which as Janice pointed out above is both a plus and a minus. For this one, we have small groups (of 4) to give support and kindness to each other. I’m feeling that the previous course was a step towards being able to do this one. 🙂

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